18 Steps to a Relaxing Bath

1. Remove pile of discarded work outfits from edge of tub.

2. Assemble vacuum with attachments. Vacuum floor and tub to remove all hair that has accumulated from a couple weeks of vigorous blow drying. Clean tub with cleanser. Clear counter tops of accumulated clutter.

3. Start running warm water and light lilac scented candle.

4. Turn off all lights so you can no longer see how dirty the rest of the bathroom is.

5. Climb in tub and relax head against fluffy folded towel. Begin to let the healing balm of silence relax all of your cares.

6. Have silence broken by the sound of one lone housefly buzzing and bumping against skylight.

7. Attempt to ignore fly. Surely it will stop. It does. Relax once again into the silence and warmth.

8. Hear sounds of crazed fly resume. Tell yourself it’s mind over matter. It’s just a little fly after all. Fly takes a much needed rest. Wait to make sure fly hasn’t changed it’s mind. Relax.

9. Fly again begins its incessant and maniacal drone intent on destroying any remaining peace and sanity while bashing its tiny, hairy, body against the glass.

10. Use faucet to angrily pull yourself out of bathtub. Desperately search for object to kill fly. Remember that you never manage to kill flies.

12. Grab first available towel and walk to top of stairs. Sweetly call husband. Ask if he can come here for just a minute.

13. Meet husband’s quizzical gaze with blank stare in order to get him to continue up the stairs. Notice as husband’s gaze glances from your face to toweled body then back to face.

14. Realize that husband is getting the wrong idea. Feel slightly guilty. Proceed to lead him to romantically lit bathroom.

15. Point out lunatic fly and ask him to kill it. Admire that husband offers no complaint and merely asks for a towel.

16. Generously unwrap yourself from towel and give to husband. Clap and cheer as husband kills fly on third try and disposes of carcass.

17. Thank husband profusely as he smiles and leaves.

18. Climb back into warm and inviting tub. Realize that your knight in shining armor has killed the equivalent of a dragon for you. Chivalry is not dead.


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